So, I have abandonment issues. Where do I start?
My dad, when he was alive, would do anything to leave the house when he would get into an argument with my mom. There were plenty of moments that her behavior seemed erratic and not "normal" (whatever that means). He would threaten to call the police and the police officers came to the house various times. It was scary because I thought the police were called in an emergency or when a crime was being committed; not because there was a squabble between two adults.
Anyway, that's one example. Another example are the boyfriends I've had. It's been a rough road. Let me make you aware of that.
I began dating at the age of 14, and we didn't even last long; a year and half. I recall telling my cousin that we broke up four times, and she said, "Again? Are you getting back together?" I said, "No, four stands for final." I can't remember who broke up with whom, but the last time we met up, I had wanted him back in my life. He didn't because he kissed me on the forehead before he left the train to go back to his place. We lasted a year and two months.
The second relationship I had was when I was 18. We both were going to the same college, so, that was a nice surprise. We didn't know that until after we made it official after meeting the month prior. Things were great, or so I thought. He came out of left field with words like: "I'm not a good guy, I'm not who you think I am. You think you're in love with me, but you're not." It was extremely tough to hear that. We had been dating for four months, but I felt such a deep connection to him. We were so alike. Tears just rolled down my eyes as I recall that heartbreaking moment. We were in the school library and he just sprung it on me like I was going to accept that. I cried my big eyes out. This was before Christmas, too, so you know I wasn't in a good mood. Eventually we got back together, and it was great until he started judging me wondering if every time I cried on the phone, I was experiencing PMS (rolls eyes). He was too concerned with where I put my money, and said I freaked him out every time I saw a baby because it seemed like I wanted one at that present moment. He had nothing to worry about because we didn't even come close to being intimate in that way. We lasted a little over a year and a half because I broke up with him and we never got back together.
The third relationship I had was when I was 21. That one brought out all my fears and trauma to the surface. He was a good guy until he lied. I know, "everybody lies," but he lied about something minuscule, that I told him, "If you lie about little things like this, you can lie about even bigger things." He was the one boyfriend that never broke up with me because he was comfortable and I'd like to say I was a good girlfriend. Sure, I was jealous and insecure, but that was a positive for him because he could keep me under his thumb. I was hypnotized by his looks and charm, and that's what blinded me to the fact that my already low self-esteem was only getting lower. My depression was at an all time high with him, and I remember taking pictures of us smiling when deep down I felt so sad. I was his crazy and he was my calm, but I set up the weekly dates and tried my best to keep the romance alive. It's hard when it's just one person doing all the work for two. I liked planning but it was difficult because he wasn't an easy person to give in. We both had to agree on what the date was going to be. There wasn't much room for compromise when I was the one giving in. Although he didn't break up with me, it felt like he had one foot in the door and the other foot out. I was lonely and his wandering eye was a huge issue for me. I felt like my neighbor, who was in a long marriage with a man who checked out every woman he could that walked by. Guys like that make women look dumb for staying. I broke up with him twice and we lasted four years.
The fourth and final relationship I had was when I was 31. I thought I finally found the one; my future husband. He actually talked about a future with me, like getting married and having kids. Things took a turn when in two instances I was trying to be helpful to strangers in public and he would reprimand me. I wanted to tell him, "Let me use my kindness. What is your problem?" I had no words. Then on our movie dates, he wanted to invite his brother. Why?! It's like he was keeping me at a distance. It felt isolating to be in a relationship like that, but I stayed because I settled. I didn't want to go through another failed relationship and I thought, "This is what couples go through. No one is perfect."I had recurring dreams about us breaking up, but in my dream, I always felt like something was missing and I wanted to be with him. In real life, there was a moment when I would want to kiss him, and he would hold his lips shut. He would laugh like he was playing a game. I told him, "Keep at it and I'm going to shut down." It's like he wanted to see me suffer because when I shut down, he expected me to cheer right back up. I'm not a wind-up doll, mister. I have feelings, and if you keep pushing my buttons, I'm going to show you what they are. He broke up with me for the silliest thing. I was describing the fact that I was walking to the store with my heavy coat and hood. I was like a horse with blinders on because I could barely see through my peripheral vision. Anyway, a random Hispanic/Latino man, who was drunk, pushes me and it was hard. I felt my body being shoved and I did not like that feeling at all. I'm Hispanic/Latina so me calling out another Hispanic/Latino shouldn't bother him, but it did. When I told my then-boyfriend his exact race, he threw a fit. He said, "No, don't say that. My friend is of that race." Oh my gosh, I wasn't referring to his friend. I was referring to this guy. Can you focus on my story, and not make it about you? I was telling him how triggered I became and that flew over his head. He kept calling me a racist and saying that he wouldn't want to raise his kids that way. I'm not the 45th president supporter, so calm down! I told him to drop it so we could watch a show we were binging on Netflix, but he wouldn't let up. I told him to leave because when I arrive at my house from work, I want to be at peace. What's crazy is that it was a Friday; a day we normally we wouldn't schedule to see each other. We kept it at Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays because I like my space and I need breaks. He offered to add a day, which was Friday. I think he knew he was crossing a line or a boundary because like I said, I like my space. Something tells me it was his intention to break up with me because the next day I receive a text that reads, "I've been thinking. I think we should part ways." I cried for two minutes while I was cleaning my room listening to Cher Lloyd's "End Up Here." Really good song. I suggest you listen to it, but I digress. I didn't reply. I didn't even type, "Okay" or "OK" or "K." I should've said, "K," that would've been funny but to me, K is so insulting. Apropos, though, apropos. We lasted two years.
You'd think I'd be done? No. My dad left; not on purpose. He left this world suddenly when he passed away from a heart attack. These last two months have been eye-opening for me. I had to give up school and work to take care of my mom, myself and the house. It's not easy being a homeowner. If anything, my mom automatically inherits that title but it seems like I have inherited it because my mom seems to have given up on just about everything. She stopped making coffee, stopped cooking, stopped washing the dishes, stopped taking out the garbage, pretty much stopped caring. So, who do the responsibilities fall on? Yes, dad, I miss you but you have left me with a big burden to carry. I'm trying to get as much rest, sleep, and food in my system while trying to enjoy the little things in life that I liked but it's hard to find the time. Time goes by really fast during the day, but extremely slow at night.
The silver lining to this is that I've grown as a person. I don't want to nor have the time to date. I'm trying to take a course, where I can take care of my mom and receive funds at the same time, but if that doesn't pan out (because of low enrollment) then I'm taking courses for three semesters that will help me obtain employment at home. I need it because I have to go to my doctor appointments, as well as, take my mom to hers. She needs someone to look after her and I have taken on that role gladly. It's brought me and my mom even closer. She needs all the love she can get and I have so much love to give. <3
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